Currently on my mind...

NOTE: this is going to be a looooong rambley post. But I am a terrible journal keeper and this is about the only place I actually write down what it happening in my life and how I am feeling. That being said, if you choose not to read this, I understand. I just needed to write how I am feeling today so that if the discouragement creeps back in, I will be able to read this and remember how I was feeling today! 

When I started back in school up at the U, I had plans to apply for their graphic design program. I spent my whole first year building up my portfolio specifically for this purpose. But on a daily basis one of my painting teachers would tell me that I needed to be a painting major, that I would do so well as a painting major, that I just HAD to be a painting major. She got into my head, and the week that we were supposed to turn in our portfolios to apply for the graphic design program, I changed my mind and decided that I, Jessie DeCastro, was DESTINED to be a painter.

Well, almost daily during the next three years, I doubted my choice. I would have anxiety attacks. I would worry that I was doing the wrong thing. I would wonder what life would be like after graduation as a painting major. I would cry. But I would also pray about my decision. And I received confirmation that I was doing what I was supposed to do. I even had my home teacher give me a blessing. And although he didn't fully know my dilemma, his words confirmed that I was on the right path. So I stuck with it and graduated with a BFA in Painting and Drawing.

Right after graduation, I got engaged and was busy planning a wedding, purchasing a home, and making said home livable. I stopped painting. I swore that as soon as we were married, things would settle down and I would get right back into my painting. We even turned the spare room into my studio so that I would have a work space. But then we both got busy with jobs and trying to make ends meet. And I still didn't paint. I swore that as soon as we had a little more "security" I would start painting again. 

Then last year at this time, Jeff and I decided that it was time for me to quit my job and focus on being a full time artist! Some of you may remember my happy post when I stated that I was pursuing my dream job. I had such high aspirations and just KNEW that I would do oh so well. But day after day I would struggle with staying focused. I got scared. I feared that I wasn't a good enough artist. I worried that I would never make money doing what I loved. When I finally finished some commissioned pieces, I felt rejuvenated. I felt like a true artist. I felt like a GOOD artist!

Then a couple of hopeful commissions fell through due to the rough economic times, and our financial situation got really tight. Art is something that isn't really a priority when money is scarce. So I got scared again. I worried once again that I had made the wrong decision in school... that if only I had majored in graphic design, I would have a good job and we would have money. And I stopped painting. 

Over the past few months I have threatened to pack up all my art supplies and put them in storage. I wanted to forget that art was even a part of my life. I have become depressed about art. I have wished that I could be happy doing something else.

Lucky for me, I have an inspired husband, wonderful family and great friends who won't let me get away with thinking this way. Jeff has constantly reminded me that this is my calling in life. That I am an artist. That I have been given a talent that I need to do something with. And just the other weekend, a good friend slapped some sense into me and reminded me that I have had the confirmation numerous times, and that I am supposed to be a painter, so I need to stop doubting it and stop being scared, and stop complaining about it, and just do something with it. (Thanks Bri!)

And although it still seems like such an impractical career choice, I know that there is something that I am supposed to be doing with my art. Someone higher wants me to be doing this and knows that I will do something great with it. I still have no clue what will come of me painting, but I am finally feeling excited about it all again! I have plans. I have ideas. I am super excited about what I am currently working on. And although I am still job hunting so I can help bring in the bacon again, I know that I will still paint and will forever be an artist.

Now, if you read this entire rant, I apologize. Like I said, I just needed to write this down so that tomorrow when I doubt myself again, I have a reminder of what I really feel.